Monday, February 6, 2012

Not working at the Death Star

“Hello? Yes, hello Mr Vader. No, I’m sorry, we’re not going to be able to make it in today. Yeah, it’s the snow. I know, I know, you’ll have to have the departmental meeting without us.”

Friday, December 23, 2011

Merry Sithmas!

“Luke, help me take this mask off.”
“But you'll die!”
“Nothing can stop that now. Just for once, let me look on you with my own eyes.”
Vader always gets melancholy at the end of the office party.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Our fast-track promotion scheme rewards excellence

“Jenkins, as the man standing nearest to Roberts when I killed him, you have what it takes to be our new Head of Assigning an Adequate Number of Fighters to Any Given Combat Situation.”

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Darth Clippit

“It looks like you’re trying to use the Force. Do, or do not: there is no try.”

Monday, December 12, 2011

The insurance just doesn’t cover it

“Under the terms of our IT and Health & Safety Policies, colleagues are reminded that the laser is to be used only for destroying planets and not for heating up lunches. A staff microwave is available in sub-sub-basement E, room 438.”

Monday, December 5, 2011

Now witness the bureaucracy of this fully armed and operational battle station!

“Sire! The rebels have found a way to destroy the Death Star with a single–”
“Trooper, if you have an issue, you should raise it in the first instance with your line manager. If they see fit, they can pass it up to their divisional head, who can if necessary bring it to my attention at the next board meeting. What’s the point in having these structures if we’re not going to use them, eh?”

Thursday, December 1, 2011

This isn’t the careers advice you’re looking for

“So, Luke, where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Well, I’m very much committed to a career with the Jedi and I’d hope before too long to advance to the point of cutting my dad’s hand off before nagging him into sacrificing what’s left of his life to save mine.”
“OK, or there’s that Regional Deputy Manager job coming up soon.”

Monday, November 28, 2011

The dark side of the outsource

“So, rather than host our shield generator safely inside the Death Star, you want us to contract it out to an external supplier based on a forest moon inhabited by hostile and deeply annoying midget bears?”
“It’s very cheap.”

Jargon with the power to destroy an entire planet

“Sir, I am fluent in over six million forms of communication, and can readily –”
“Hey, do you know what ‘Mortistellar resources will synergistically transition to delivering self-disintermediating throughputs and metrically-centred trooping outside the storm’ means?”
“Er...I’m afraid not.”

Monday, May 30, 2011

“Other duties as necessary”

Nobody ever really pays much attention to the last line of their job description.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Attack of the branding consultants

“Sire, the DS brand has a strong core value – death – but it has yet to own that idea in the consumer’s mind. Take these cannons: sure, they deliver the product, but do they deliver the proposition? No one who sees them in action lives to tell the tale, so you’re missing out on all that crucial word-of-mouth. We propose replacing them with a quirky-meets-edgy art installation to explore the concept of death in ways that will really–”
“If you’re about to say ‘go viral’ I’m going to have you killed.”